Story Behind The Song

I was reflecting on how fearless I was in high school--I could do anything! Then somewhere along the way, I started caring what people thought about me, and it caused me to be less free. I didn't notice it at first, of course, but as I get older, I realize that freedom I had was something I probably needed and wanted to get back. It's nobody's fault but my own. I allowed self-esteem to make its way into my mind.... and that affected not just me, but my relationships. As I figured out that I was gay, that brought a whole new level of issues that accompanied the rollercoaster of relationships. So that was fun for everyone. This song came about as a call to untuck myself--to get back to how I used to be.

Song Description

In the movie, The Empire Strikes Back, Our intrepid hero, Luke Skywalker is trying to get his X-Wing Fighter out of the swamp he's supposed to use the force. He fails and says, "Moving rocks is one thing, this is completely different." His mentor Yoda is emphatic that it is not, only different in how you think about it in your mind. He tells him he must, "Unlearn what you have learned." That is the essence of this song. When I was young I was taught to care about things--to give a shit--and I did. But I don't remember my elders telling me to only care about the things that inspired me, so I began to care about things like what people thought of me... as most of us do. In high school I could do anything without regard to my reputation. But when I got to college, I wanted to be "one of the cool kids" and liked--I had stumbled upon low self-esteem. When I first figured out I was gay, I met someone whom I consider part of my soul family, but I couldn't be gay and I was WAY too clingy, so there was a lot of drama around my relationships--ups and downs--like a rollercoaster being driven by my insecurities. Well, if I am to be successful at human-ing, I really need to un-fuck myself--get back to the way I used to be before I dulled my fucking shine.

Lyrics

When I was young I was taught to give a shit
While that certainly is true
They forgot to add only give a shit about things that ignite the spark in you:
Things that make you happy, things that drive you wild
Instead I find I'm givin' shits about the bullshit in my life.

Chorus
Gotta unfuck myself, gotta get my mind back to the way it used to be
To be who I was before I dulled my shine.
To be the change I want to see, to not judge different as enemy,
Just play nice and share my toys
I don't need to be young again, just gotta unwind the mess within
Gotta, gotta, mmmm, gotta unfuck myself.

Invincible in high school never feared to play the fool
Theater geek, band fag, didn't matter the tag
Self-expression was my crowning jewel.
Then I got to college and my quest for higher knowledge led me to the shores of self-esteem
Who knew to be cool you had to follow rules?
Social suicide could kill your dreams. Now I...

Chorus

My world rocked when I met my soulmate
Who knew it'd be a guy?
As we tussled with our queerness I admit my biggest fear was
Hidden truths would get us ostracized
Up and down love's rollercoaster
With other people's hearts
Riding my insecurities to the end then press restart
Now I...

Chorus